Letter to self

Hey you,

Yes, you hiding from this letter.

I need to tell you something.  Don’t hide.  All your life you have felt like you needed to hide.  Hide the abuse.  Hide the need to feel loved.  Hide from your true self by finding useless “love’ from others.  Hide from your out of control feeling by desperately fighting to be in control.   You will hide behind legalism, thinking if you are a really good girl, someone will love you.

You will work so hard at hiding from what your mother had become that you will end up unmarried and pregnant and then you will hide that pain by marrying the father, a man you don’t love because you are scared of being classified as “just like her”.   You will hide in an affair at the end of your marriage, once again searching for love.

What you don’t know is you are hiding from the one thing that can set all that free!   Don’t hide from the one true thing that can soothe your broken spirit.  Broken by the pain of neglect and abuse.   God’s love is the balm and you just have to come out of hiding long enough to let Him apply it.

You will grow older and find Him and begin to apply this truth, but you will make mistakes time and time again.  You will swear to hide your broken heart behind big walls.  You will try and hide behind your looks, thinking this is what makes you desirable.  But what makes you desirable is your heart.  The one God gave you.  A heart big enough to love fiercely, deeply and full of forgiveness.  You ARE beautiful inside and out.  God doesn’t make anything less.  Believe it.  Need His reassurance.  Play the victim of brokenness with Him, he wants to be your Savior.

Don’t hide, baby.  There is so much life to be enjoyed.  So much to learn in the light.

I’ll be here with you every step of the way.  And so will the God of the universe, who loves you wholly and without reservations!

Love, Me

Risk

This picture reminds me that I’m a risk taker. I try and say that I’m not, but deep down I know I am. I take a lot of risks in a lot of different areas. Just over a month ago I took one, well really, I took a giant leap off of a tall cliff. On the way down the wind felt good and I felt like I was flying but then I hit the ground and laid there bruised and a little broken.

Today looking at this picture I reflect on my “pilot” the man strapped to my back that did all the work. The only part I had was to take the risk of actually jumping out the door, putting my faith in my pilot. The rush was exhilarating, profound, breathtaking (literally! it’s really cold at 14,000 ft.!) and watching the world beneath me will forever be a memory I carry with me. This is God to me. My pilot strapped to my life. With Him I can take risks (faith) and enjoy the ride as He guides. Sadly, I left Him at the top of the cliff the last time I leapt and although the ride down was exhilarating, profound and breathtaking…the landing was not. Suddenly the world spun before my eyes and came up to meet me. I didn’t know how to work the parachute.

I will continue to take risks. I’m not going to back away from something in fear of what could happen! I’m going to step out in faith, giving my all, in hopes of exhilarating, profound and breathtaking goodness. The difference is this time I’ll make sure I don’t do it alone, but with the God who loves me and will safely see me to the ground.

Need

I’m in a place of need right now.  This is hard for me to admit.  A large part of me believes this isn’t spiritual, that it’s selfish.  But in my case it’s the truth.

I need to be poured into.  I need someone to walk beside me daily and tell me how to take each step.  Everyday I pour into people trying to please them or make their lives better.  I give to work, to work people, to friends…..   And I am empty.  I’m not getting filled up.

It’s in my nature to be there for people, especially hurting people.  To make them feel loved, valued, wanted.  It’s a good spirit to have, but if you are not getting it back it leaves you dry and hurting.

I prayed today for God to minister to me.  To minister to my emptiness and pain.  Praying also for a family, a sense of community that allows my soul to be filled so that I can continue to fill up others.

Realization

In the last couple of days I have come to the full realization of  sin and the pain it brings.  Nothing prepared me for the heart wrenching pain that would come when I fully admitted my sin.

My brain knew  what I had done was wrong, but it hadn’t become a heart thing yet.  It took another hurt from someone  that finally dropped me to my knees in repentance.  The pain of the hurt and the pain of the full realization of what I had done was almost more than I could bare.

There I was in my bedroom crying out the ugliness of my sin, my selfishness, more than a month later.  It’s sad it took me getting hurt to finally realize my part in the sin.  I was choosing to hide in me being done wrong and in my forgiveness to the other person for the hurt.  All the while not getting to the root of what I had done.

I’ve gotten hurt so bad at times and some of those bad times is because I stepped out of the will of  God.  Yes, I know I shouldn’t haven’t been treated the way I did in some of these times, but when we make sinful choices we must be willing to take the pain that comes.

God will redeem my sin.  It’s his love of me that makes it a fact.  My heart is a little lighter now.  The pain is still there, but it’s a little more tolerable.