Nearness

I have no words of deep to say

It’s only the surface that sees the waves

Prayers skim above the depth of my need

Just as the sun reflected on the surface doesn’t reach the darkness of the deep

So my heart doesn’t reach the nearness of you

 

 

The Charmed Life

I decided today to live in a grace mentality and not a victim mentality.  It took me just a little less than a week to get there.  Not bad coming from the girl that usually likes to linger in pain.

It’s hard being the victim of a hurt caused by someone else.  Rejection is one of the hardest hits.  But I want to believe that one wrong isn’t the answer to who I am.  I am not a victim unless I choose to play the role.  I had a part in the play that caused the hurt and I can let the curtain fall or I can continue to replay the scenes over and over again.

I chose grace.  I chose to give it out despite if I wasn’t in the wrong.  I chose to give it to someone that has been hurt, because I KNOW how it feels.  And my heart softens because causing pain is sometimes reflected in our actions with others even we don’t mean too or set out to.  Hurt people, hurt people sometimes.  I also chose to receive grace into my mistake too.  This is probably hardest for me.  I am always very hard on myself.  Mistakes are meant to teach us what to do better next time.  I’ll try and learn from that.

I’m realizing that I have a soft heart.  Sometimes this really ticks me off.  I want to stay angry.  I want to stay depressed, down on myself and believing that I matter to no one.  That no one is worth time or effort.   But my heart, the one that God gave me isn’t shaped that way.  I’ll stay angry for awhile, but then I will feel your pain and hurt with you and feel the grace that covers us all.

That’s the charmed life.

 

Seeing through a blanket

This feeling isn’t new

It covers the back of my eyes with it’s blanket

I can see the world

But I can’t see the truth

It’s been a very telling weekend for me.  I have found some strengths and then there has been the weakness.  I don’t like the weakness, it makes me angry with myself.  I am stronger than this.  I am not the same woman I was a year ago.  But, I deal with the same feelings I did a year ago.  The feelings of never being enough.  The feeling of thinking that it will never be me someone chooses.  This is the place the anger comes in.  I AM enough.  Whether someone chooses me or not.  How dare I listen to the lies.  But I do and I find myself starting to cry.  Because no matter how much I play it in my head there is this one thing that reminds me I am not the sweet, innocent and clean woman that dreams are made of.   I carry inside me something that reminds me of this daily.  I am broken and scarred from mistakes of the past.  And then anger comes again and the crying stops and I resolve to build higher walls.

This is my strength….building walls.

Twisted

Life is so twisted up.  The words of my mind go round and round, playing hide and seek.  I see them.  I feel them.  And then they go and hide and for a minute I’m sure of who I am.  Then they come back and I get all twisted up again and want to get them out of my head and onto paper.  But they are so twisted up, I don’t know how to say it and then they hide again.  I keep the post page of the blog up just in case they come back out to play.

How does the jumble of words that form thoughts make any sense anyway, except to me.  Love me, don’t love me.  Accept me, tell me I should be better.  Be gentle with me, be angry with me.  Feel joy having someone next to me, but silently cry when he goes to the bathroom because I don’t believe joy is mine to feel.  Believe in myself, but be unsure of myself.  Dream of writing a book, but don’t pick up a pen.

Twisted.  Which end is up anyway.

Reality

The reality is….this is my reality and it  sucks.