Last night talking with a friend about the last post I posted and why God would let me be born knowing some of the things I would have to go through with abuse, she said ” because you will be able to help someone that has been through the same thing”.

No offense to her, she was just trying to help, but I don’t want to hear that right now!!  I don’t want some pat Christian answer! I WAS A CHILD, DAMN IT!!  If I am approaching this as a child as God whispered to me, then a child would not understand that “someday”  this will help someone else. 

I just want a father that will comfort me, tell me it’s going to be ok and tell me He loves me!!

Rebirth – The Womb

Seems fitting to write my first journal post on my journey of Rebirth on this week after  Easter.  Our King conquered death and was brought back to life.  That is my hope, my prayer for this journey through the past, to die to the old self and be brought back to new life.  New life, the life Jesus intended when he gave His life on the cross.

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.  Psalm 139: 16

At the time I decided to start this journal, I thought I would start with the day I was born.  But, thinking about it and remembering the scriptures above that I have read over and over, I knew I needed to start from the beginning.  The very beginning, when the seed was planted. 

Most people believe that life begins at conception, so I guess life begin for me at the same time.  I don’t know the details of my conception.  I never even knew who my father was.  So I wonder was I conceived out of love and the relationship just didn’t work out?  Or was it just out of the “free love” of the sixties?  From my mom’s history with men (I’m not downing her, just stating facts) I have to assume it wasn’t love.  So, I guess I didn’t even begin with love. 

From the scriptures above it says that God knew me before I was even born, before I was even “seeded”.  They say I was knit together by Him in my mother’s womb.  This is really too big for me to wrap my tiny little brain around.  People have told me that He even thought of me when he was dying on the cross, knowing His death would be for me years and years later.  Again, too big for me to comprehend.

The part that really gets me is where it says that He knew the days that were ordained for me before there was even one.  I wonder why then He let me be born?  I know this sounds contradictory to what I should as a Christian be thinking, but this is my journey to rebirth and I have to let the thoughts that keep me hindered from living like I should out of the dark and into the light.

I know all suffer with different things in life and some of the things I have endured I understand is the just part of life.  My heartbreak over the love I had for someone is just life.  I picked the wrong person, my fault, part of life…..  But what about the abuse as a child, what about the exploitation of a child that didn’t have a mother that paid attention?  Really, God?  This is what you had ordained for me?  If you loved me, why?  These are questions I have asked myself all my life.  And these are questions that have led me to believe that I must not be worthy of much if this is what God knew would happened and let me be born anyway.  Even Job asked the question…”Why did I not die at birth, Come forth from the womb and expire?” (Job 3:11)

I can’t ever remember wishing I wasn’t ever born, but I can remember days of wishing I was dead. 

I’m praying over these questions.  Trying to find grace over a pregnancy that will soon bring forth a girl child that will face the unspeakable.

As a Child

 
I’m 45 years old.
 
I’ve been married. I’ve been divorced

I’ve given birth twice.

I hold a full-time job, managing (mothering) 29 people.

All this pointing to being a woman. Or, as Websters says in the definitions….an adult female.

Yet….While praying this morning, praying through the same feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, I told God that I didn’t feel like a woman, that I never have. Not in the true sense of the word. Yes I’m grown-up and do all the grownup things, but the feeling of being a woman down deep inside my heart escaped me. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, I mumbled. It was like as if I was a child, I told Him.

“Then come to me as a child“…. God whispered.

It’s like a dam burst and I felt this sense of He understood. Understood what I was trying to convey. Simple. That’s what God does, he makes what seems so complicated to us and breaks it down to simple….”Then come to me as a child”.

So a seed was sown in my heart standing there, tears streaming as fast as the water coming from the shower spout.

I have to go back to the beginning. I have to go back to the very start of life for me. I have to go back and relive childhood. To do that I have to go back an re-visit the pain of it all. The emotional abuse, the physical abuse, the sexual abuse. The neglect. The abandonment. The lack of a father figure. All of it. Every stinking detail that has lived in me for all of my 45 years.

I’ve taken on the sins of the mother (most of the abuse and neglect was from my mother) believing they were mine to carry. Every mistake I have made brings me back to those memories and anchors my belief in my unworthiness. Every good thing that has happened to me has been tainted by the fear of losing it or the shame of thinking I don’t deserve it. My feelings of unworthiness, of never feeling good enough, never fully believing anything good was meant for me, has ruled my life for far too long.

So I’m going back, going back to the very beginning. I am going to journal online every detail I can remember that has led me to this time, to this place. For those memories that I have repressed, I am praying God will reveal them. The only way to healing is to get out of the dark.

 It will be painful, I have no doubt. But if I ever want to be the woman God created me to be, then I must face the unknown, the pain. Jounaling about it will be my spoken pray for favor, for redemption….for healing. It will also bring into the light all the sins, those inflicted on me and those I brought on myself, and allow rebirth to take place.  Rebirth.

My hope is God will journey alongside me, I trust that He will. I pray for that little child to find her father, the only one that matters. I pray that she will get to sit in His lap and He will cradle her, stroke her hair and tell her she is special, His pride and joy and… Oh, so worthy of love.

People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.” Luke 18:15-17 (The Message)

See you in 1965.