Good to know

It’s good to know that God knows the prayers of our heart when we are unable to speak them aloud. Or when we try to deny they even exist.

Allow myself…..

I need to allow myself to grieve.  Quit telling myself that I should be over it by now.  There is no time frame on grief, nothing that says after a certain time you shouldn’t feel the hurt anymore.  Two years of friendship, loving you the whole time does not just disappear in two months.  I gave all of myself and all of my heart and it’s going to take time to process and heal.  So I need to allow grace to attend to my “timing”. 

Grace isn’t just for the sinner or to cover a sin, but it’s also for life’s ups and downs.  The hurts of my heart are healed by grace.  Grace given by God, when I don’t believe He cares, when He does.  Grace for when I get angry because of the pain and blame Him for it.  The overwhelming grace of love poured into a heart drained of faith. 

I need to allow myself to admit I made a mistake and move on.  Quit telling myself…Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!  Yes, I made some wrong decisions based on self, but His grace has covered it and I need to allow myself to believe.

I need to allow myself to rest.  To just be.  Wow, this is hard.  I want to do something that will release the pressure, pain, hurt… but God is telling me to just rest.  Just roll with the tide, feel the hurt, face the pain.  Don’t strive.

Most of all I need to allow myself to feel loved, cherished and wanted.  This will be my biggest journey to date.  I think it will come in just being who I am.  Stop trying to be something else, something better.  Stop thinking I need to be “fixed” to be loved.  He loves me despite the broken parts.  I am praying for this above all else.  For the truth of God to resonate  in my whole being.

Read this today…..

I read this today on another devotion and wanted to post it here so I would always have it.

“I have been through the valley of weeping,
The valley of sorrow and pain;
But the ‘God of all comfort’ was with me,
At hand to uphold and sustain.
“As the earth needs the clouds and sunshine,
Our souls need both sorrow and joy;
So He places us oft in the furnace,
The dross from the gold to destroy.

“When he leads thro’ some valley of trouble
His omnipotent hand we trace;
For the trials and sorrows He sends us,
Are part of His lessons in grace.
“Oft we shrink from the purging and pruning,
Forgetting the Husbandman knows
That the deeper the cutting and paring,
The richer the cluster that grows.

“Well He knows that affliction is needed;
He has a wise purpose in view,
And in the dark valley He whispers,
‘Hereafter Thou’lt know what I do.’

“As we travel thro’ life’s shadow’d valley,
Fresh springs of His love ever rise;
And we learn that our sorrows and losses,
Are blessings just sent in disguise.

“So we’ll follow wherever He leadeth,
Let the path be dreary or bright;
For we’ve proved that our God can give comfort;
Our God can give songs in the night.”


What’s going on?

Somewhere around 4:30 this afernoon on the drive home from work, I started to feel really anxious.  As the drive progressed it got worse and worse.  Then everything started to make it worse…I caught, what it seemed like, every red light, my lower back started hurting from sitting in the car, every slow driver was in front of me and it seemed like I would never make it home.  I wanted out of the car so badly!  I was only in it for a little over an hour, but it seemed like it had been hours and hours.  I felt like crying for no reason.  I couldn’t stop myself from squirming in my chair and to be honest from yelling at the cars in front of me to get out of my way.  I literally felt like I was coming apart at the seams.  Unfortunately Nick was in the car and he got to see all the anxiety.  I tried to calm down, but all I could think about was getting out of the car. 

The really weird part is I had no idea why I was feeling this way.  Nothing bad happened at work, it was actual an uneventful day.  It wasn’t “hormonal”.   Nothing pressing was waiting for me at home.  And, I had the next three days off of work.  Once I got home I had dinner with Nick and it took everything I had not to bust out crying.  After dinner I tried reading some inspirational blogs looking for some inspiration, but just felt like crying.  I decided to take a hot bath and that is where I broke down and allowed myself to cry. 

I told God I didn’t know what was wrong, but whatever it is I couldn’t handle it.  I begged for his comfort.  I begged for answers to why I was feeling this way.  I know today is 2 months since we broke up and I have seen his face, but I knew that this morning when I woke up so I can’t imagine it’s that.  Although through the anxiety I started thinking about him and started missing him terribly.  I cried in the bath for God to remove the hurt, I need FREEDOM from the pain and hurt.  No real answers came while I wrinkled up in the hot water and no relief from whatever it is that has me not at peace. 

 One thing I did discover though, was I think I know why I have been eating so much lately, to the tune of putting on 10 lbs.  I think it’s because I am punishing myself for being wrong when it came to him.  I guess I feel if I put back on all the weight I lost over the last year I will have a real reason to think someone couldn’t love me.  It’s stupid, I know, but my mind can be stupid at times.  I am using food to stop someone from loving me, that way I won’t be hurt again. 

Another thing that crossed my mind that I need to dive deeper into, is that I don’t know how to NOT  be alone.  I am digging deeper and deeper into myself and losing touch on how to relate with people.  Not in the terms of work people, but those people who are usually your close friends, those you trust.  The problem is I don’t trust anyone, so that makes it hard to reach out. 

As I type these words I am a little more comforted.  Writing always allow me to say the things I need to say.  Putting it out there is a way of dealing with it.  I’m exhausted now and just want to go asleep, but I also know this is another way of escape for me.  Work, food and sleep, it allows me to hide.  I don’t want to hide, but my flesh wars with my spirit and lately my flesh wins so it can escape the pain.  Maybe that’s why I was so anxious in the car…..I couldn’t hide.  There was no food, no work and no bed to sleep in. 

I hope God can get to that secret place that is causing this anxiety.  The secret place I don’t even have the key for.

Blue

The color of blue represents freedom to me. I’m not sure exactly why, but I think it has something to do with that it also is usally the color of water. Once a friend told me that water represnts healing. . Healing leads to freedom from whatever binds me.  I have been dreaming and reading of water, rivers and streams.  I’m in that healing process and feel freedom from a lot of things and still reaching for the rest. My Father said He would send rivers in the desert and I believe Him.

That’s why when I got my hair colored a couple weeks ago, I had my hairdresser color a strip of my hair blue. It’s in the back underneath next to my neck.  They call it a peek-a-boo.  It’s funny the name, but so appropriate.  A peek-a-boo into my soul.  A soul on it’s way to freedom.  It’s faded somewhat and it’s more of a sea green now, but that’s just a different version of the color of water. It still reminds me of where I came from and where I’m going.

A peek-a-boo into the future.

Dare I say….

I can’t believe I’m going to say this but….I’m enjoying this journey I’m on. Even through the pain, hurt and brokeness I am finding I’m actually glad I’m here. Now that’s not to say that I wish it would not have happened, but it did and I’m finding out what I’m made of.  I’m learning more about myself in this than I ever have through other methods.   I’m also learning more of my Jesus than I ever have. Who would have known that a broken heart would teach me more about his love than any other trial I have faced in life. And I have faced many, abuse, divorce, bankruptcy, loss, just to name a few.

 I guess this is  why I’m feeling joy in the darkness, comfort in my sorrow and healing in my soul.

Dare I say….I’m enjoying this journey?    Yes, I dare too!

I will be….

I just read another blog that talked about knowing that despite the situation, season, trial or heartbreak we may be in, if we are a follower of Jesus then we will be ok.

I believe that with my whole heart. Despite “this” thing I am dealing with I WILL be okay. I will expect nothing less from my God or myself. I will rest in that knowledge. I will believe it to be the truth. I will treasure this journey, knowing that on it’s path to being ok, there will be people that I will meet that will see my progress and be uplifted to the same truth…..I will be ok.

Lies, Lies, Lies!!!

It’s all lies. ” you’re not worth it”,” noone will ever love you”, “you’re ugly and fat”.,…the enemy speaks them with a voice in my head.

 
You are unhealthy and not allowed in my life.   LIE!  You need a man who will use you so you can continue to play the victim.  LIE! …..words written, passed as truth.  Lie!

 It’s all lies, lies, lies!!!

Speak truth Jesus.