Rest

I want to come up with some profound, meaningful words that sound really good and inspires someone (although not sure anyone reads this).  But right now I can’t.  The pain of heartbreak still silences my gift.  I do believe writing is a gift. Not that it’s easy, it leaves me tired and drained.  I guess that’s why I can’t really write anything, because I’m already tired and drained.  Who knew heartbreak and the inescapable  knowledge that I could be so wrong, so blind, so sinful, could be so tiring and draining.  I just want rest.  Rest from memories.   Rest for the “you should have known better”.  Rest from the pain of someone believing so badly of you, when you loved them so completly. Rest from looking at my part.  Rest from the pain of losing.

I rest in sleep and naps for my physical body, but my heart is in repair and it’s a process that leaves me feeling drained.

Searching

Searching for me
Searching for the real me
Not the person you tried to make me
but the person God made me

I have goodness, I have depth
but it’s buried underneath the pile of “learning”
I am broken, a misfit in this world
but there is someone who loves me as I am

I am goodness, I am loved

Caught

I’m caught in the in between place of not wanting to be alone and wanting to be alone so I don’t get hurt. It’s kinda of a lost space. A stuck place. It keeps me unsure of what to do next. Do I become comfortable with being alone/being lonely or love and risk losing? Be smart or fear not?

I’m praying to my heavenly father for the best path. I know in his goodness and wisdom he will teach me and lead me.

I Won’t Give Up

It always seem elusive to me this feeling of having Jesus near.  As soon as I seem to have the feeling that He is with me…Poof, it’s gone.  I know in my head that he is always with me, but that overwhelming knowledge of Him in every place remains just out of my reach. 

But I won’t give up.  I will chase you, Jesus.  I may only be able to touch the hem of your garment for now, but I WILL  get to you.  I WILL know that quiet and gentle feeling of your nearness.  I WILL  crawl up in your lap and bask in the light of your presence.  

I won’t give up.

One voice

In the other room I hear them talk
I can’t tell the difference between their voices

Bonding over the game
One older, one younger
The younger growing older
Sounding more and more like the other

Where has time gone
Two boys
One a man, one soon to be
But one voice
Brothers

Comparison

Can I compare to you
Can I be like you
Can I act like you, look like you, behave like you

No, I don’t compare to you
No, I’m not like you
No, I don’t act like you, look like you, behave like you

Because who I am is enough
More than enough
Nothing compares to me

Reflection

Who is that that stares at me
Is she friend or foe
Only she knows
Deep down she knows

If I continue to stare back at her
I will know what is true
that freedom comes in the color of blue
and mirrors never lie